What I miss about not being pregnant....
teaching a dance class without worrying that I am going to pee my pants
going to the Dr. all the time
not having any clothes to wear
not taking my meds
What I love about being pregnant....
feeling all the kicks (even when they are to the rib)
hearing the heart beat at the Dr.
when the kids come up to me and kiss my belly
all of the funny questions about how babies are made from Ava
Really only 10 more weeks to go... I need to start getting ready for this little girl!
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
buggin'
WOW has it really been that long since I have blogged. I have a lot of catching up to do!
I am just over 6 months pregnant now and am having a hard time. I always knew being bipolar and pregnant would be hard (that is why we adopted the last time) but I never thought it would be this hard!
Every day I wake up with anxiety so bad that I don't know if I can stand up without blacking out. Most days I feel like I am PMSing and on the verge of ripping someone's head off and next minute crying or trying to catch my breath again from another anxiety attach. Most time Eric can get me to laugh by teasing me about how I have not showering for a week or my belly that is usually sticking out of the bottom of my shirt. I am depressed most of the time for no reason and find my self hating things that I used to love; teaching, friends, old movies, shopping, even chocolate. Every night I try going to bed thinking that tomorrow will be better or that if I stop thinking about it that my skin will stop crawling but instead I just lay here. I think the worse part is my family having to put up with me. My poor husband walks on egg shells around me and does almost everything for the kids (I make him a list).
I remember when we were trying to adopt and how annoyed I would get with women that would complain about being pregnant. I longed to have a baby and every side effect that came with it! I just want you to know that that is not what I am doing. I am just wishing that I could enjoy by heart burn, hemorrhoids, stretch marks and kicks to the ribs like a normal person. I love being pregnant and am so excited to meet this little one and am at the same time going crazy!
My mom keeps saying a count down (3 more months) BUT then what? What if I get post partum? My meds don't kick in? Or something is not okay with the baby? WHAT THEN?
Eric will tell when I need to take a break or calm down, sometimes when he has had enough his comment will be "you are buggin". I always think, "Ya I know, I am bugging myself"
Well that was a happy note :) next one will have to be updated pictures of my cute kids or something lol
I am just over 6 months pregnant now and am having a hard time. I always knew being bipolar and pregnant would be hard (that is why we adopted the last time) but I never thought it would be this hard!
Every day I wake up with anxiety so bad that I don't know if I can stand up without blacking out. Most days I feel like I am PMSing and on the verge of ripping someone's head off and next minute crying or trying to catch my breath again from another anxiety attach. Most time Eric can get me to laugh by teasing me about how I have not showering for a week or my belly that is usually sticking out of the bottom of my shirt. I am depressed most of the time for no reason and find my self hating things that I used to love; teaching, friends, old movies, shopping, even chocolate. Every night I try going to bed thinking that tomorrow will be better or that if I stop thinking about it that my skin will stop crawling but instead I just lay here. I think the worse part is my family having to put up with me. My poor husband walks on egg shells around me and does almost everything for the kids (I make him a list).
I remember when we were trying to adopt and how annoyed I would get with women that would complain about being pregnant. I longed to have a baby and every side effect that came with it! I just want you to know that that is not what I am doing. I am just wishing that I could enjoy by heart burn, hemorrhoids, stretch marks and kicks to the ribs like a normal person. I love being pregnant and am so excited to meet this little one and am at the same time going crazy!
My mom keeps saying a count down (3 more months) BUT then what? What if I get post partum? My meds don't kick in? Or something is not okay with the baby? WHAT THEN?
Eric will tell when I need to take a break or calm down, sometimes when he has had enough his comment will be "you are buggin". I always think, "Ya I know, I am bugging myself"
Well that was a happy note :) next one will have to be updated pictures of my cute kids or something lol
Saturday, August 20, 2011
say cheese
Yahoo I finally go a new camera. I have been wanting one forever... No I didn't get the $800 one that I wanted but I am really excited to something that will turn out.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
a dozen
Okay so I have been teaching dance for a while now and through the years I have been able to teach some of the most amazing girls. Among the hundreds of girls the are three girls that have been in my class from the beginning... and that is a good thing. They are so fun to be around and are such hard workers. I never have to worry about them not knowing the dance.
No wonder why they are so amazing though because they come from an amazing mom. She is always there to help out when needed something sewn last minute, or emails sent out etc. I don't know how she does it all. She is not just a mom of one, two or even, 9 BUT a wonderful mom to a full dozen kids.
I have asked her to be a guest blogger and she said...
I have never been asked to guest blog before my good friend, Stacey, invited me. It’s a bit intimidating to think about my words going on someone else’s blog in something other than a comment. I have known Stacey in real life for several years now. She teaches dance at our studio, so my girls know her extremely well. Princess told me that she is just like one of the girls…except that she makes up cool dances and gets to run the show during class time. She even offered to choreograph a dance for Princess! Sadly for me, I have few dancing skills…
Anyway, when I asked Stacey what she wanted me to write about, here is her response. "If you want to write about how you decided to have a lot of kids, how you run your day to day, trials and success of raising them." I’m pretty sure I could write volumes and volumes on this subject except that I have way too much laundry to do. So maybe I’ll just talk about the first part.
I was raised with seven siblings and my Sweetie has five siblings and two half-siblings, so I’m pretty sure we both qualified as coming from big families. I did tons of babysitting as a kid, both for my mom and for about a dozen neighbors. I always wanted kids of my own, from the time I was small. When all my friends were into Barbies, I was still loving my baby dolls. I used some of my sitting money to buy little dresses and baby shoes (I just love little baby shoes, even if they are impractical!) before I was in my teens.
When I started dating my sweetie, he was so head-over-heels that he would have agreed to anything. On one of our early dates we actually went shopping for baby shoes! I’m sure he thought I was crazy, but I was glad that he wasn’t afraid of having a big family. I remember a long discussion about kids and when I suggested ten, he didn’t faint, so that was good news. Being the super-over-achiever that I am, we managed to improve that number by 20%.
We married in 1983 and had our first child in 1984. The babies came pretty much every two years after that, not because of planning, but because that was when they wanted to come. It gets hectic and crazy sometimes, but that’s when I seem to thrive. I love being a mom and watching how my kids grow and develop. They all have different personalities with their own hopes and dreams. Sometimes they drive me nuts, but I wouldn’t have it any other way!
Check out her blog @ twelvemakesadozen
No wonder why they are so amazing though because they come from an amazing mom. She is always there to help out when needed something sewn last minute, or emails sent out etc. I don't know how she does it all. She is not just a mom of one, two or even, 9 BUT a wonderful mom to a full dozen kids.
I have asked her to be a guest blogger and she said...
I have never been asked to guest blog before my good friend, Stacey, invited me. It’s a bit intimidating to think about my words going on someone else’s blog in something other than a comment. I have known Stacey in real life for several years now. She teaches dance at our studio, so my girls know her extremely well. Princess told me that she is just like one of the girls…except that she makes up cool dances and gets to run the show during class time. She even offered to choreograph a dance for Princess! Sadly for me, I have few dancing skills…
Anyway, when I asked Stacey what she wanted me to write about, here is her response. "If you want to write about how you decided to have a lot of kids, how you run your day to day, trials and success of raising them." I’m pretty sure I could write volumes and volumes on this subject except that I have way too much laundry to do. So maybe I’ll just talk about the first part.
I was raised with seven siblings and my Sweetie has five siblings and two half-siblings, so I’m pretty sure we both qualified as coming from big families. I did tons of babysitting as a kid, both for my mom and for about a dozen neighbors. I always wanted kids of my own, from the time I was small. When all my friends were into Barbies, I was still loving my baby dolls. I used some of my sitting money to buy little dresses and baby shoes (I just love little baby shoes, even if they are impractical!) before I was in my teens.
When I started dating my sweetie, he was so head-over-heels that he would have agreed to anything. On one of our early dates we actually went shopping for baby shoes! I’m sure he thought I was crazy, but I was glad that he wasn’t afraid of having a big family. I remember a long discussion about kids and when I suggested ten, he didn’t faint, so that was good news. Being the super-over-achiever that I am, we managed to improve that number by 20%.
We married in 1983 and had our first child in 1984. The babies came pretty much every two years after that, not because of planning, but because that was when they wanted to come. It gets hectic and crazy sometimes, but that’s when I seem to thrive. I love being a mom and watching how my kids grow and develop. They all have different personalities with their own hopes and dreams. Sometimes they drive me nuts, but I wouldn’t have it any other way!
Check out her blog @ twelvemakesadozen
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
sisters
SO I guess I will give you a quick fun down on my life... My parents got a divorce when I was about 3 and my mom got remarried when I was 4. My mom and 'step' dad raised me with the occasional visit from my dad. This usually happened on big holidays or if he had a new girls friend that he wanted to show off. When I was 9 my dad married my step mom Joni and had a baby Lyndzee. A few short years later they got a divorce and my dad lost all rights to Lyndzee (she was 3 now). My step mom got remarried and the last time I had ever seen her or my sister has been 12 years ago. Well when Eric and I were getting married and going through addresses I came across their address and decided to send them a Christmas card each year. After 7 years of sending cards I got one back. Lyndzee sent me a card back with her school picture and phone number. I called a few times and talked to Joni but were never able to get together. It soon died down. Last month she found me on facebook and we decided that we wanted to meet.
Tuesday my 3 kids met Lyndzee, her little brother Cole, and Joni for lunch. We spend 2 and half hours just catching up and getting to know each other. We talked about how it was when Joni was my weekend mom and how the things that I remember from when Lyndzee was a baby.
It was good to see them again. Last time I saw her she was still so little and I was helping her to go to the bathroom BUT now she is as tall as me, 16 and dating. It's crazy how life turns out!
Tuesday my 3 kids met Lyndzee, her little brother Cole, and Joni for lunch. We spend 2 and half hours just catching up and getting to know each other. We talked about how it was when Joni was my weekend mom and how the things that I remember from when Lyndzee was a baby.
It was good to see them again. Last time I saw her she was still so little and I was helping her to go to the bathroom BUT now she is as tall as me, 16 and dating. It's crazy how life turns out!
Tubular!
A couple of weeks ago my parents invited my family to go boating with them for the day. I was really excited at first... it has been a few years since we have gone. Through the weeks I started wondering if this trip will be a good idea and if we would actually have a good time. We have 3 young kids that all have to wear over sized, uncomfortable life jackets. Ava is scared of water and thinks that if she gets in the water the fish will eat her, Devery never holds still and might just fall in, and poor baby Chris... what will he do all day?
The girls spend hours in the tube and LOVED it! Chris was as happy as could be as long as we didn't try and put a stupid hat on his head. We even took our 85 lb dog that was just wonderful. Thanks parents for ANOTHER great day!
The girls spend hours in the tube and LOVED it! Chris was as happy as could be as long as we didn't try and put a stupid hat on his head. We even took our 85 lb dog that was just wonderful. Thanks parents for ANOTHER great day!
Friday, July 29, 2011
Dance Dance Dance and teach!
Summer break is over and I started teaching dance again so I thought I might update the blog from June's dance recital :) Ooops
So here it goes...
I have danced since I was 3 years old have not always loved it. When was little I was always the tall, skinny, awkward one in the back that was always off. When I turned 13 I got to get my first pointe shoes then really started to love it again. I have danced in ALMOST every style of dance at some time in my life between high school dance co, & drill then to College dance co at SLCC and a "wanna be" professional co till I got prego with Ava. I have also taught at 3 different studios BUT have not loved dance more than I do now.
I get to share this love with my two little girls. They love to dress up and go on the stage more than they like to go to class BUT still.
I teach girls from 3-18... The set of girls at the studio are amazing and fun to be around.
I get to work with friends!
I also get to work at the most amazing place ever!!! Being in the dance world I am picky on where I would let my kids take from. I want them to go somewhere that they will not just run around skipping and not learn anything also somewhere they can be their selves and not be put down. The studio only uses clean music and modest clothing.
Really I just have the best job ever and Ava & Devery did amazing! Thanks to all of our family that came to support them.
So here it goes...
I have danced since I was 3 years old have not always loved it. When was little I was always the tall, skinny, awkward one in the back that was always off. When I turned 13 I got to get my first pointe shoes then really started to love it again. I have danced in ALMOST every style of dance at some time in my life between high school dance co, & drill then to College dance co at SLCC and a "wanna be" professional co till I got prego with Ava. I have also taught at 3 different studios BUT have not loved dance more than I do now.
I get to share this love with my two little girls. They love to dress up and go on the stage more than they like to go to class BUT still.
I teach girls from 3-18... The set of girls at the studio are amazing and fun to be around.
I get to work with friends!
I also get to work at the most amazing place ever!!! Being in the dance world I am picky on where I would let my kids take from. I want them to go somewhere that they will not just run around skipping and not learn anything also somewhere they can be their selves and not be put down. The studio only uses clean music and modest clothing.
Really I just have the best job ever and Ava & Devery did amazing! Thanks to all of our family that came to support them.
Friday, July 15, 2011
PIERCE OLSEN Obituary: View PIERCE OLSEN's Obituary by Deseret News
Our wonderful friends have been blessed with a beautiful baby boy and because of our Heavenly Fathers perfect play they will one day see him again. Click on the link below...
PIERCE OLSEN Obituary: View PIERCE OLSEN's Obituary by Deseret News
PIERCE OLSEN Obituary: View PIERCE OLSEN's Obituary by Deseret News
Monday, July 11, 2011
The Road to Adoption...
Hey everyone...My name is Deanna and Stacey has asked me to share my story thus far about our adoption journey...Stacey and I have met because of adoption and I am so thankful about that. She has been so wonderful to guest post for me on my blog The LDS Adoption Connection and has helped so many to know what it is like to adopt and what it is like to struggle with infertility. She has asked me to talk about my blog too but I will post that in another post since this one is a little lengthy...lol...
Where do I begin...I will say for starters that I never in a million years thought I would be on this road...the Adoption Road that is...but I will say that now that I have found it and have been on it for some time, that I know I am going the way that Heavenly Father wants me to go...He is involved every step of the way...
How did I get on this road you may ask....Well I guess like all do...we wanted to have a baby...lol...My story is a little unusual but typical in some ways. My husband and I have been married for 5 years and have tried to "get pregnant" from the start. I think because I had my daughter prior (she is 10yrs old) to meeting my husband I never though that we would have any issues getting pregnant since I had her. So for 5 long years we have tried...with no avail - zero pregnancies...the Doctors can not explain why we can't get pregnant...we have had ALL the testing you can...everything is in perfect working order...we even tried assitance...and obviously I can carry a baby full term but still nothing...so this had put us at a real crossroads.
The pain of infertility is a very lonely one. One that I have to say in the LDS culture is even harder. I didn't grow up in the Church so when I had Abbe (my daughter) I was "young" by society standards...but in LDS culture to be 33 yrs old and still be trying is not the typical, at least if you are in a ward like mine (a ward with over 190 children in the primary alone). Many assumed that we didn't have kids since they assumed we were younger or had not realized that we have Abbe or they would say oh you must not want to have kids or have any more kids...little did they know that our hearts ached inside to have more children and if they only knew. People can say some really stupid things when they just don't know. For a long time it was hard for me to relate to women my age at church because many were "done" having kids or saying they wanted to have their tubes tied. During this time I was called into the Primary, so it became even harder. But even though it had been hard or still is sometimes I know it wasn't any of their faults. They didn't know how I felt. I barely spoke with anyone about it. It's one of those subjects that you just feel alone.
During this time James (my husband) and I really struggled with the thoughts of our family. Before we got married we wanted to have a big family. Ideally, I wanted to have 5 children but time was working against us. I wanted Abbe to be closer in age to her siblings and that was not happening. We began to think maybe this is it. With every month that went by sadness followed...it was often an unspoken sadness. At one point (about 2 or 3 yrs in) I felt like maybe we are supposed to adopt. I have cousins who are adopted so I have never had any issues with adopting but the timing wasn't right. At that point we still hadn't done a ton of fertility testing and James still felt like we should and I agreed...it made sense. Little did I know we would have some pretty severe emotional trials hit us right after that and it would not have been the time to adopt. Abbe needed us and she needed all of our focus. That struggle made us better, more understanding, more patient, and more resilient. Our Testimonies of the Savior where also strengthened during that time...
Around early Spring of 2010 I felt compelled to speak about the possibility of adopting with James again...our conversation was kinda one sided...me saying I feel prompted about this...him saying I don't know...I kinda dropped it but asked him if he would pray about it...I was quiet about it for a bit and then one Sunday night we were getting ready for bed and he randomly said yeah I feel we should too...I was elated and teary at the same time...he said he had received confirmations about it multiple times over the weekend...
With that we called LDS Family to begin the process...Through out the process of becoming certified we had many confirmations that this was the right thing to do...that we were supposed to be adopting. We became certified in September of 2010. In October of 2010 on a Tuesday LDS Family had called us saying that a woman had chosen us and the baby had been born in September and wanted to place with us that Saturday. We had a ton of emotions going on to say the least...we were excited and worried at the same time...we were closing on a bigger home at that exact moment and were thinking OMG how are we going to do this but knew it would all work itself out it always did...unfortunately that Friday LDS Family called again with sad news...they could not verify the birth of the baby...yeah you can imagine how we felt...it was a huge blow and hard...worst part was we had to explain to Abbe...it was hard for us but equally hard for her...she thought she was going to have a brother that weekend....but it wasn't meant to be...the timing was not right...so we went on with our lives and luckily I had a new home and moving to help distract me...
Then in May, I randomly had a woman named Kristy contact me through parent profiles. (I know this was an answer to a prayer and I wrote about it on my personal blog) She was the first and only contact we have had. It only took one...Kristy chose us to be the parents of Axton (the name we have chosen for the baby boy she is carrying) this past May. One of the things that struck her was that we had a daughter named Abbe and She too has a daughter named Abbi so you can imagine how special that is to her. She is truly amazing and the most strong and selfless person I know.
Axton is set to be born in the beginning of October and we can't wait to meet him. We know Heavenly Father chose Kristy for us and us for Kristy. We have seen His hand at work and it is amazing. I am so thankful for adoption. I am so thankful that the Lord has led our family on this journey...this wasn't the way I thought it would be, but His plans are ALWAYS better and I am excited to see what else is He has in store for us...
Where do I begin...I will say for starters that I never in a million years thought I would be on this road...the Adoption Road that is...but I will say that now that I have found it and have been on it for some time, that I know I am going the way that Heavenly Father wants me to go...He is involved every step of the way...
James and Deanna
The pain of infertility is a very lonely one. One that I have to say in the LDS culture is even harder. I didn't grow up in the Church so when I had Abbe (my daughter) I was "young" by society standards...but in LDS culture to be 33 yrs old and still be trying is not the typical, at least if you are in a ward like mine (a ward with over 190 children in the primary alone). Many assumed that we didn't have kids since they assumed we were younger or had not realized that we have Abbe or they would say oh you must not want to have kids or have any more kids...little did they know that our hearts ached inside to have more children and if they only knew. People can say some really stupid things when they just don't know. For a long time it was hard for me to relate to women my age at church because many were "done" having kids or saying they wanted to have their tubes tied. During this time I was called into the Primary, so it became even harder. But even though it had been hard or still is sometimes I know it wasn't any of their faults. They didn't know how I felt. I barely spoke with anyone about it. It's one of those subjects that you just feel alone.
The 3 of Us in Cabo San Lucas
During this time James (my husband) and I really struggled with the thoughts of our family. Before we got married we wanted to have a big family. Ideally, I wanted to have 5 children but time was working against us. I wanted Abbe to be closer in age to her siblings and that was not happening. We began to think maybe this is it. With every month that went by sadness followed...it was often an unspoken sadness. At one point (about 2 or 3 yrs in) I felt like maybe we are supposed to adopt. I have cousins who are adopted so I have never had any issues with adopting but the timing wasn't right. At that point we still hadn't done a ton of fertility testing and James still felt like we should and I agreed...it made sense. Little did I know we would have some pretty severe emotional trials hit us right after that and it would not have been the time to adopt. Abbe needed us and she needed all of our focus. That struggle made us better, more understanding, more patient, and more resilient. Our Testimonies of the Savior where also strengthened during that time...
The 3 of Us on Abbe's Baptism May 2010
With that we called LDS Family to begin the process...Through out the process of becoming certified we had many confirmations that this was the right thing to do...that we were supposed to be adopting. We became certified in September of 2010. In October of 2010 on a Tuesday LDS Family had called us saying that a woman had chosen us and the baby had been born in September and wanted to place with us that Saturday. We had a ton of emotions going on to say the least...we were excited and worried at the same time...we were closing on a bigger home at that exact moment and were thinking OMG how are we going to do this but knew it would all work itself out it always did...unfortunately that Friday LDS Family called again with sad news...they could not verify the birth of the baby...yeah you can imagine how we felt...it was a huge blow and hard...worst part was we had to explain to Abbe...it was hard for us but equally hard for her...she thought she was going to have a brother that weekend....but it wasn't meant to be...the timing was not right...so we went on with our lives and luckily I had a new home and moving to help distract me...
Deanna and Kristy and Little Axton (in her tummy)
Then in May, I randomly had a woman named Kristy contact me through parent profiles. (I know this was an answer to a prayer and I wrote about it on my personal blog) She was the first and only contact we have had. It only took one...Kristy chose us to be the parents of Axton (the name we have chosen for the baby boy she is carrying) this past May. One of the things that struck her was that we had a daughter named Abbe and She too has a daughter named Abbi so you can imagine how special that is to her. She is truly amazing and the most strong and selfless person I know.
Axton is set to be born in the beginning of October and we can't wait to meet him. We know Heavenly Father chose Kristy for us and us for Kristy. We have seen His hand at work and it is amazing. I am so thankful for adoption. I am so thankful that the Lord has led our family on this journey...this wasn't the way I thought it would be, but His plans are ALWAYS better and I am excited to see what else is He has in store for us...
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